QUESTIONS~~Parenting 101
Today I want to bring up a topic I have been pondering for some time now! Teens and Drinking, Adults and Drinking, and Alcoholism. Right now I am dealing with a close friend who is struggling with Alcoholism.
She is bright, energetic, kind, loving, funny, the list goes on, however, she is an Alcoholic. I did not know this about her for sometime. You see she is a fitness instructor, very strong, very healthy with her diet and overall you would have thought she had it all together.
After all, she was the one encouraging me and many others to be healthy and get healthy. Alcoholism is a terrible disease, that can strike all walks of life. It can destroy a life if no recovery is involved. Or it can give a person a new lease on life if they recognize it.
With all that being said, Mike and I talk about Alcohol and Drug use often with the boys. Mike and I are sociable drinkers. In fact I would say Mike is somewhat of a beer cynosure, it is his hobby to learn about different breweries and he loves to try new beers from different parts of the World. He does this in the most respectful way, and certainly is not a beer drinking guy everyday. It would get very expensive anyhow LOL, he is not Bud guy!
Now that the boys are getting older Alex more so, likes to ask Mike questions. Now we are very aware that Kids are peer pressured, and trying alcohol may be offered at some point. In fact some of my friends already let their kids taste their alcohol drinks. They feel this to be acceptable, and that it will deter their kids from wanting it later on. Mike and I feel the complete opposite.
For one it is against the LAW. Secondly, I thinks some kids may even like the taste, and acquire it early on. They may be curious to see what it makes them feel like if they drink enough. Let's just say I can go on and on, we are very much against that theory. However, I respect all opinions and feelings, and I do not judge what other Parents do.
I am here to take care of my own. One thing we drill in both the boys is, you never drink to get drunk! We talk about how horrible drinking and driving is as well, and how you can lose your life, or cause someone else to, if you make that horrible choice to do so. Alcohol is to be respected, and remember you can't fool it, it fools you. We are hoping all these heart to hearts, and leading a good example will lead them down the right path. Everyone knows someone who has alcohol or drug dependency problems.
We had the opportunity to go away one weekend to Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina. We love taking little road trips any time we can. Our first stop was UNC, University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. It was incredible to see the grounds, the campus, and the fraternity houses. It was really cool, until we saw what had transpired the night before. That is when a real topic of conversation came up about drinking and lots of QUESTIONS where being asked. Let me share with you the Party that we saw the after math......
This is where all the Fraternity housing is........and apparently the night before there was this party....
Looked like it was for a good cause........cheap too!~
I was wondering how many kids fell off this building the night before
This was just the first scene we saw the after math
Looks like there was an attempt to clean up some time before passing out, let me mention, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse!
Not sure what exactly they where doing with these live chickens, the thought was scary!
The housing for these young Fraternity students was unbelievable....we told the boys they are dorming it!
Jack is finally going for a haircut tomorrow, he is getting tired of people saying he looks like Justine Bieber
Husband actually agreed to this picture on the cool bench
Each field of medicine has it's own campus, very nice!
We where not sure what this symbol meant, anyone know? That was our first tour....I will be sharing Duke later on.....Share your thoughts I would love to hear them.
So my QUESTION to you is how did you or do you handle this topic of under age drinking and out of control madness. What was your approach? I would really love all the advise and insight I can get on this topic. College looks scary to me these days, and we want to instill all the good we can in our boys to make the right decisions and choices they will face. Thanks
P.S.My boys are very good communicators so far, however,
with that being said, will I ever tell them what I have done in ,my past NOT!~ Both my husband and I are on the same page with that method of parenting!
They do not need to know. I have however, learned from many of my mistakes! Right MOM?? lol, Mom please do not disclose any information here........we will keep that between us!
Labels: alcohol, college, Under age drinking, under age drinking Raleigh-Durham North Carolina
posted by Debbiedoos @ 8:34 AM
52 Comments:
University of Phoenix Online. That is our plan! Seriously, I am very interested in hearing how people deal with this as Jemma will have all these questions one day.
Tom and I do drink socially and on occasion will have wine with dinner. Tom does have beer some evenings, but usually after he mows the lawn. I love how you put that you have to respect it because that is so true.
You know about my story and seeing my mother as an alcoholic made me go the opposite direction as an adult. Now with all that said, I drank through college like everyone else. I think it is a rite of passage sadly, but I think how you raise your kids and how you handle it makes a difference in how they handle it. I drank for fun in college and followed along with everyone, but knew that if I ever "needed" it, I had to get help. That was always in the back of my mind. I know it sounds silly, but that was my thought. I was silly and did stupid things, but I learned from them too. Especially if you are involved with a fraternity (evidence A.. you pictures!) Sororities are really strict about drinking, but when the girls are at a frat house, you do what the others are doing. We always followed the buddy system. You always had a buddy with you to watch your back and help you out.
The symbol on the ground is for a fraternity called Chi Phi. The chickens are for Greek sacrifices. Just kidding!!!! We are looking into a Swiss all girl boarding school with 50 ft. walls and eunuchs to guard and University of Phoenix online!!!
I think you are handling it appropriately. I have seen the two ends of the spectrum...parents who allow their kids to drink and those that don't. Far more often than not, the kids that are allowed to drink...get into trouble and do it in excess. My parents didn't allow me to drink and I snuck out a couple times. That's all it took. Yes, college was out of control. But I learned early on there, too. The kids are going to experiment. The least we can do is teach them to be responsible so they don't kill themselves or someone else by overdosing or drinking and driving...or riding with a drunk driver.
The best advice I can offer is to keep all lines of communication open! You already are! Do your best to lead by example, sounds like you already are doing this too! Unfortunately in our small town,(teenage deaths) and being on the lake,(fatal boating accidents) and in both our familys we have examples of how alcohol abuse can destroy. We use these sad situations as opportunties about the dangers of alcohol. Like you we are social drinkers probably even more so then you but we have always stressed responsible drinking. We do not allow our children to drink or encourage them to taste, they have asked but we tell them sorry your not 21! Why 21? Because aside from the law, hopefully you will be a little more equipped to be responsible if you choose to drink. We remind them everynight when they go out NOT to drink if tempted and to leave if others are engaging. We talked about how they do not want to be an innocent caught in a bad situation because of who you are with. But, I do not have blinders on, they are exposed to it everywhere around here, colleges are the worst! The best we can do is to keep an eye on them, on their friends, what parents are around, and keep talking, talking, talking! Then what gives me the most piece of mind is prayer! I have never prayed so much in my life as I have since my children have gotten older! Very explicit prayers! LOL!
Wow! It is so scary to think of college already...my oldest is only 6..aahhhh! Ok so I think you guys are handling it great! I just know communication is EVERYTHING! when it comes to anything! oh and trust...if you instill in them they can trust you to tell you anything...they may experiment, but then call if they get in a jam instead of driving...I guess...man I just had a dejavu...lol
Let's try this again. Hopefully blogger will not burp. Deb, all you can do is lead them in the right direction and hope they don't succumb to peer pressure. My son did not party or drink and still does not drink. He has tried it and just does not like the taste. My daughter was the party queen and it caused her to lose a scholarship in her first year of college. She still likes to drink socially (not now while pregnant), but knows when to stop.
College is scary! I have two there now.
We have talked to our kids all of their lives about the horrors of alcohol. They have also witnessed it firsthand this year at college. I am hoping that will stop them from being stupid!
Well, we are actually in the thick of it right now. Our children are 28, and on her own, 20, and at college in Vermont, and 18...graduating this year. We enjoy a glass of wine at dinner every now and then and would not say no if they wanted a taste. I will have a beer on a rare occasion, my husband more often. My 28 year old did not start to drink until she was a junior in college...at that point, you really have no power over them. She is an adult, a college graduate, and she supports herself. She is responsible. The daughter in college bowed to pier pressure once this year, told us about it and I hope will also be responsible. Our son is not interested. He tends to like being a "geek" and hanging out with his friends. He will attend a local college and commute. I think that demystifying the alcohol helps. They see it as something that an adult might enjoy in a social setting and not to self medicate. They got an eyeful of that from our neighbors...who we love and care about. Both alcoholics, she had a liver transplant last year and their lives are forever changed. I think you just have to do your best and hope they hear what you are saying.
Debbie...I wrote thiis huge long comment about everything we have done with our kids...read it and deleted it!
My answer is prayer! Teach them that they have a loving God to answer to! Love them to death! Set expectations! Then pray some more!
This is a tough subject...
I hope you find the answers you are looking for!
Cathy
I hope those chickens were okay! i don't have kids so I don't have any brilliant advice to offer. I would think you're already doing the most important thing by leading by example and initiating the conversation. It must be so scary when you think about them going off the college, but this is when all the hard work you've done instilling values in your kids over all those years really pays off.
With that said, please tell your hubby to try St. Bernardus abt 12 if he hasn't already. It's a Belgian beer. They sell it at Total Wine if you have one of those nearby. My favorite beer ever!
It's my personal opinion that a lot of the 4 year universities are nothing but an extremely expensive party zone! Everyone I know who went did a LOT of drinking.
I completely agree with you that alcohol needs to be respected. The only problem is kids don't know their limit, they haven't learned how to not get drunk! I threw up many a bottle of Tickle Pink back in the day but the way I see these young girls drinking now scares me!!! Several years ago my friend and I stopped at a sports bar to watch the olympics and the girls next to us were celebrating one of them turning 21, they were throwing shots back like nothing I'd ever seen...I was stunned! Tiny little girls drinking like 300lb men!
I know my middle son has been drunk before...without my permission! But my oldest son is so clean he squeaks, I haven't even heard him pass gas since he was about 5. He goes to community college close to home and he works at California Adventure so he's too busy to party. He'll be 21 next January and I'm curious to see if he drinks at that point or not.
I call what my husband and I do Anti-social drinking lol. We rarely or pretty much never drink outside the home. It's not relaxing to us when we know we have to drive. None of my friends are big drinkers and his parents don't drink at all so it's not really a social thing. When we go out the drinks are so insanely expensive that we'll have a couple of light beers and that's it.
Anywho, I could ramble on but I haven't put a post up in almost a week!!! How time flies! So I'm going to start loading my mod podge pics and hopefully it'll be up later on today:)
Good Morning Debbie, girl I think you and hubs are handling it the best way...I also think children have alot of peer pressure and that they will do what they want to do...I raised 3 daughters at a time when it was all about LSP years ago...did they try it Yes!! of course they didn't tell me until they were in there 30's or so...but my youngest daughter told me "Mom you had nothing to do with it" People do what they want to do no matter what you say to them...like your friend that drinks she knows it wrong and what it's doing to her...and only she has control over her life..I grew up with an step father and alochol he seen what it did to our life...any hoo enough about my life...I pray all is well in your world today my friend...Hugs and smiles Gl♥ria
My son has been asking me these kinds of questions about alcohol lately and I didn't really think anything of it, I just kind of said to him that he was too young to talk about these things (he's going to be 11 in 3 months) but now, after reading your post and the other comments, I think I may have made a mistake. I think I need to go back and have a sit down conversation with him. He was asking me why do people like alcohol and what does alcohol do to people and why he's 40 year old uncle (who has been disowned by the entire family) is an alcoholic. Oh my goodness! I can not believe I have to have this conversation with my baby. But I too believe that communication is the key and I can't pretend I'm protecting him by not talking about it. I think that the information should come from me and not his school friends.
This is a tough one. Funny you should post it right now- stop by and see what I posted today. Anyhow- There are many alcoholics in my life. My husbands father basically died from it and I have several on my side. We are extremeley casual drinkers. Not out of fear, just not something we really do. That being said I worry about the kids being prone to it. We talk all the time about drugs and alcohol. I even work through scenerios with them. I've told them that someone close to the WILL offer it so be prepared how your going to handle the situation so it's not a surprise. I too have a great friend who's struggling with it too. She was also a health buff and a school teacher (this should scare everyone) She was drinking and taking up to 15 vicodin a day. I had NO IDEA. She's in her 3rd attempt at rehab. The latest being a 6 month treatment. It's a terrible thing- alcoholism.
I really appreciate all your points of view so far. I will have my husband read this post as well. I know a lot of you peeps have already been through these stages of life, and for us up and coming Parents it is good to have some insight. All my friends are at the same stages of life as we are.... Thanks again, keep em coming!
Kim,
I laugh when people refer to a certain college as a "party school". All of them are! If you want to party you are going to find one or make one. We graduate our baby daughter on Saturday and yes you worry and pray a lot. But, I totally believe a parent have instilled the values your child will need by about age four. Then you just have to reinforce by your actions and age appropriate conversations. Great pictures, brings back memories, oops, well yes.
In one word - communication! As long as we talk with our kids and do the best to educate them, that's the best we can do. But keep in mind what we did as youngsters and we can't keep our children from learning experiences but we do need to instill right from wrong etc. We do the best we can with our kids and hope most of it sinks in … god I sound like my parents now!
Hi Debbie!
Good post. Very frightening topic. I have a couple of alcholics in my family (grandfather, cousin, brother in law). I see what it has done to their lives. And to be honest, it just really makes me sad more than anything else.
Troy and I have an occasional drink. Generally it is at home after the princess is in bed. It is WAY to expensive to go out and have drinks. Which, I guess is a good thing.
Since my little one is only 2.5 right now, I have some time to think about how to deal with those teen years and experimentation. However, right now, I choose for her not to be even introduce to it by seeing us drink or being around others drinking. And I think doing my best at being very active in her life and staying as close as possible wth her is my plan for right no and the forseeable future. As corny as it souns, the best thing I can do is lead by example. Well that 100% make her never drink? Oh, I doubt it but, hopefully it will give her a good foundation to make her choices wisely.
I sure hope your friend gets some help and support. I have seen how alone people in this situation can feel and that makes the whole alcoholism so much worse!
I think setting a good example and being honest is the best approach. I have a seventeen year old and so far she doesn't have any interest in drinking. I don't know if that comes from the fact that Mike and I are not really big drinkers. When we do drink, we don't do it in front of her. I grew up with an alcoholic grandfather, who always had people over and they would drink a lot. I believe because of seeing that I wanted to drink and started drinking at an early age.
Keep your fingers crossed that my approach worked. My teenager starts college this year. I will have to let you know in four years. Have a great day! Denise@cottagesisters
Debbie, this is a very thought provoking subject. I can tell you that drinking is very commonplace in High School these days. Growing up in an Italian family, my parents sometimes had wine with dinner. We were allowed to taste it) and my dad's scotch (yuck!), but not allowed any more than a taste. When I was offered alcohol by peers in high school and college, since it wasn't a big deal, I didn't feel the need to drink. When I was 21 we would go out to happy hour and have a drink, but going out & getting wasted wasn't my goal on the weekend. I'm not sure what the right answer is regarding tasting or not allowing even a taste, but I do think what makes a difference is that you talk about things with your kids constantly & convey your values to them. I do not think parents should allow their kids to drink at home just because they believe their kids are going to to it anyway. There are parents out there who do this & I disagree with that point of view.
I agree with the things you've said.
As for me, I never consumed alcohol growing up, and I did not drink as an adult either. And there was never any alcohol in our house when the kids were growing up for them to be exposed to. From time to time, I would tell them about the dangers of drinking, not only about driving and impaired judgment in making decisions, but for your health too.
Despite my hopes that they would not drink, all three of my grown children do drink socailly, but they certainly do not abuse it.
My parents never kept a lot of alcohol in the house growing up and what we did have was tucked away and honestly, I didn't know it was there. My parents taught us all about alcohol- the good, the bad, the ugly and covered peer pressure. My brother chose to party, I did not. I just think some kids get it and some kids don't. I remember stealing a sip of beer at a graduation party when I was 7 and that was enough to deter me. My brother, on the other hand, really liked alcohol and has sadly missed out on some great oppurtunities because of his partying life style. Just keep telling your kids your thoughts and hopefully they will stick.
Hi Debbie: We've all learned from our earlier days and I'm right there with you.....lie through your teeth when your kids ask you what you did when you were younger!! HaHa...Our girls are graduating from HS this June and I am happy to report that we have not had any major incidences with drinking or drugs...thank the Lord!! Our girls are very responsible...I just hope that they keep away from the irresponsible ones in college!! Thanks for stopping by my blog...Do you have a grand old theater where you are? Forget about the Grand Old Oprey...so sad!!
You are right blogger was acting funny this morning. My idea is that by about the age of 4 you have instilled life long values into your children. After that you just need to reinforce with actions and age appropriate talks. I think our parents had too big a gap in communication with us. My Mom tried, but I have wonderful conversations with my girls. Some of those pictures do bring back memories...oops hope my kids aren't reading. Haha enjoyed the post.
Jemsmom too funny u of Phoenix!!!
Oh also, I laugh at my friends when they say "that college is a party school", honey if they want to find a party, junior college, university or not they will find one! Some of the Christian based schools my friends went to were the worst (best) for parties.
Well, my son is 29 I had all the talks then he went off to college, he joined a fraternity, drank and partied like a fool. He is now a successful upstanding citizen. So, you do all you can, hope they don't hurt themselves in the process and know this too will pass. I know this is just so totally inappropriate since we are having this serious conversation, but your husband is really hot!!
Oh, I guess I have lots of stories for my kids. My dad holding a gun to my mom's head, when he was at his lowest point, alcoholic psychosis. They have to know that I will never tolerate alcohol abuse and that kind of chaos in my home.
Ah Deb! Reminds me of your 13year old bad cycling episode.
I think you're doing an absolutely fab parenting job! Boys hostels are bound to look like that. You know that. But the chairs on the roof were scary.
Picture of husband and Jack looks cute!
It's Jack's birthday and mine soon! Yay!
North Carolina and the Research Triangle are very dear to us, though we both went to college (and loved it) in Virginia. I'm afraid frat houses looked pretty similar after a party in my ancient days too. Though I know there were fellas that didn't partake or drank responsibly. I have never understood it, but I am not inclined that way. It sounds like you are communicating in both serious and healthy ways with your boys. I have been surprised how important peers come to be in the teenage years (perhaps I was in denial as a mother). But our boys have chosen good friends with like morals so far. I hope they will always do this for support and encouragement. But I also hope they will be brave enough to stand alone. Prayer. All the things you're doing and lots of prayer.
I don't even want to begin to think about college and yet I know it'll be here before we know it!
I think you're doing the right thing. Teaching by example is a big one as well as open communication.
My daughter is in 6th grade & they learned all about alcoholism & substance abuse in Health class. (The teacher really hits this subject hard) I can honestly say my daughter has quoted many statistics to me (she has a crazy memory for that kind of thing) and right now, she seems downright appalled by what she's learned. I just hope that info sticks with her when she's up against it.
WOW. What a wake up call your tour of the campus was. I heard many have gotten bad, but this is really scarey and so sad. I remember our the sororities and frats were way different back in the day. And I mean day. Let's just say 80s. Unfortunately, we were not able to have kids, but I watch and listen to all our friends with those just entering college and it's all about just what you all are doing.
Can't wait to hear and see all about DUKE. My Brother and SIL were DUKE grads back in their day. Let's just say lat 80s. Still HUGE and I mean HUGE Blue Devil fans.
Time to hit the hay,
Kate - TGB
Hi Debbie, I agree you ARE handling it perfectly, alcoholism is devastating and it makes me sad. I hope your friend gets help, she is in my prayers. Thank you for the pictures reminding us that it is not cool to drink. Thank you for visiting and leaving your kind comment on my My "TWEET" Tablescape Thursday", it was so much fun designing this table. I'm really enjoying birds this year!
Hugz,
Kim
I still worry and my daughter is 20, mind you legal drinking age up here is 19. I always try to remember to communicate openly and without judgement ... and it sounds like you are doing that... I am also really big on never getting into the car with a drunk driver ... just make sure that they know, no matter where they are, you will pick them up or send a cab, they never have to get into a car with someone who has been drinking ... I would rather pick my daughter and her friends up at 3:00 am from a club than have them drive drunk ...
I think what you are doing is great! Just keep talking to them. As far as allowing your children to taste alcohol, that is up to the individual parent. In my old state it was not illegal to do so, on your own property.
I went back to school, as an adult, and boy, did I get an education! When you are older, you are invisible on campus, so I got to be a "fly on the wall". I have to say that even the sweetest, neatest kids, with the highest GPA were drinking--not necessarily often, but to excess.
I got to know dozens of kids, and there was only one, a triathlete, who was not drinking at least on occasion. The heaviest drinking years were the freshman year (all that brand new freedom), and the first several months after turning 21. This university was a state school, but it was not our state's "party school"-- that honor went to a more exclusive school.
I think all you can do it let them know all you can so they can make wise choices when they are on their own.
Lots of college have great groups for students that don't drink and have a common interest.
Thought provoking post, Debbie. Something that every parent dreads to deal with. Luckily, I'm very allergic to alcohol, so I can't even have a taste..so I have nothing in the house. As far as I know, my two older children have tried, taste, but they didn't like it either..Still have another one at home to worry about this subject.
The whole frat house party deal has gotten way out of hand! You would think that the powers-that-be would get a handle on all this. But they seem to just turn a blind eye. It is quite sad.
I think it's wonderful that you are talking to you children now, while they are young. They need to be prepared.
By the way, this is the first time I've visited you. I'm an NC girl myself.
Do you know about the huge flea market in Raleigh? I just posted about it.
Come take a look and be sure to click on the button in my sidebar for the details of my awesome giveaway.
Liz @ the Brambleberry Cottage
I think we've been lucky. When my son turned 21 and was able to legally drink he got very sick. I told him I didn't feel sorry for him and that was what drinking could lead to and did he like feeling that way. Apparently, he didn't because he hardly ever has a drink now which to me is a good thing LOL.
"Question" is a very good Q-word. As a parent you should ask questions.
Personally, I am a tea-totaler. So I hope that I will be able to be an example of sobriety when my children get in that age. We'll see how it goes.
Good luck!
Best wishes,
Anna
http://annasadornments.blogspot.com/2010/05/q-as-in-quilts-quartz-abc-wednesday.html
featured you on my blog today! stop by if you get a chance! :)
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Wow....such a heady topic...thank you for this post...I am particularly down on alcohol. I have seem first hand the destruction it brings to individual live and more often than not to many lives. I have an occasional finger of wine and my wife an occasional glass. Our son is 19 and in college. His attitude was and may still be that college kids drink and to expect that he would not would be contrary to what college kids do. My points to him are that at this point it is illegal, unhealthy and will bring him no real pleasure, and could get him in trouble...more trouble than he would care to deal with, and that if it was trouble he wanted then I would not be there to get him out of it. I have grown up in a neighborhood with multi generational alcohol issues...it just seems to get passed down through the generations. Our son has a female friend a bit younger. Couple of years back her parents gave her an elaborate sweet 16 birthday party where they had a "mocktini bar"...within a year she and a friend were pulled over by our local police...guess what? She was driving under the influence and had open alcohol containers in the vehicle. Just this past early Sunday, Mother's day morning two sets of local parents each received phone calls...one to tell the parents their daughter was injured in a car accident...the other set of parents told that their daughter had been killed. Alcohol was apparently involved. I am just so sick of this history forever repeating itself.
Thats a hard one! My mom had it easy. I have a HUGE fear of puking, so I never drank too much for fear of seeing it all come back up again :) I also didn't want to hang out with drunk people because I didn't want to see them get sick either....am I crazy or what?! Maybe my mom planted that fear in my head! My husband and I had to leave an IHOP once because a bunch of drunk kids came in and sat by us and one of them didn't look so good. I thought "Im getting outta here before he blows!"
My mom always made it a point not to make anything extremely FORBIDDEN. It only makes it that much more glamorous. Just like being on a diet REALLY makes you want that bad food! We are extremely close though, so she knew she didn't have to forbid me.
Another thing my mom did was tell me that if I EVER drove drunk, had unprotected sex, or did drugs, she would take me to the funeral home and have me pick out my casket!! I believed her...we know the family that owns the nearby funeral home and my mom could definitely make arrangements!!! A healthy dose of fear never hurts!
alcohol...
we have two daughters..we all do not drink, dislike and against...
pleasure to know you...
Mine is here
Happy Sensational Thursday!
hugs
shakira
i only have little babies so i'm not there yet. however, i will want my girls to know that no matter what, we'll pick them up if they or their friends have been drinking!
My son asked me just the other morning if he could do "online college"....so he could be home with me! He's in 1st grade of course...so I'm sure his thought about this will change as he gets older...but secretly I hope NOT!
The question of drinking is so difficult. I believe that you just have to set a good example and give all of the information necessary for your children to make wise decisions and withstand peer pressure enough to stay within limits.
OK. Wow. I don't want to write a novella on this subject so I will try and limit what I say.
I have a daughter who is a drug addict. She started very young...13 to be exact. At the time I was really dumb about drugs and I just took her acting out to be typical teenage rebellion.
I talked to her about drugs...I was there a lot...but it happened very quickly before I could even grasp the situation.
I would learn every single thing I can about children and alcohol and drug abuse. I would arm myself with knowledge and I would be much tougher then I was in those years.
I didn't keep my head in the sand so much as just not know.
And I would tell any parent now...know where your kids are, mood swings can be more than mood swings, the signs of falling grades, etc. were never true with my daughter...in fact, she graduated as valedictorian while she was a meth addict. She has a brilliance that is frightening.
Ask questions, if you feel a red flag waving don't turn away from it, talk, listen, arm yourself with every knowledge you can find.
Many police stations have free drug awareness classes. Take them.
Drugs and alcohol go hand in hand.
And sometimes I think exposure to the consequences of bad choices would be a good thing. Have them help you in a soup kitchen where the addicts and alcoholics go for food...see if you can work at a shelter to expose them to that as well.
I admire how proactive you are being.
And, obviously, I feel very strongly about your link this week.
A+ for being an aware parent!
Hugs for being a brave one!
I can't agree more with Jenny - arm yourself with knowledge. But also, hit that floor on your knees and pray pray pray.
And sometimes, they choose to make bad decisions, so you continue to educate and to pray. And don't be afraid to be the overprotective mean mom - my kids love being able to blame things on me!
Great question.
This is a tough subject. I think that every child is different. And parents have to figure out what works for each kid. My daughter learns everything the hard way. My son on the other hand is more cautious. He learns from other people's mistakes and makes sure he doesn't repeat them. (For the most part.)
The legal drinking age here is 21. It used to be 18 when my husband was growing up here. I personally think it should be lowered to 18 again. If kids are old enough to vote, to join the army, and to legally marry without getting permission from their parents, they are old enough to decide if they want to have a glass of wine with their dinner, or a beer with their burger at a BBQ.
I think legalizing it at 18 would help to cut back on some of the ridiculous partying that goes on at college campuses. And I know that the Deans and Presidents of the two biggest schools in the state are with me on this. When it is forbidden, it gets driven "underground" and then there are no adults present to help make sure bad things don't happen.
After sharing these opinions, it may surprise you to know that the strongest thing I drink is iced tea.
First time visiting your blog (thanks for posting over at mine, you did me a big favor tempting me to come over here!) I live right outside of raleigh and I tell you, between Duke, UNC, and NC State, there is a whole mess of crazy drinking college kids. I dont have kids yet (im only 26, even though my mom wishes i already had like 2 kids haha) but looking back at my parents who are very young (my mom is 49 dad is 51) for parents of a 29 and 26 year old, i cant really rememeber us having any talks to be honest. my parents are social drinkers and my dad has a few beers when he is going his man work around their house, but i never drank anything until i went to college. my brother and alot of my friends did though in high school but that just was never really for me. I've always been super scared of getting in trouble over prety much anything, i mean I was an angel in school and at home (minus the teenage girl eye rolls). good luck and you seem like such a great mom, im sure your kids will grow up to be responsible adults!
Debbie, you and your husband are doing it 'right' in my opinion. I felt the same way while raising my boys. I feel that kids/teenager do things to be getting away with something. I 'caught' by older 2 boys once each while they were in highschool. Both times they lost their CARS for a month. Even though neither drove. One walked home and the other one had a friend take him home. They thought losing their cars was unfair because they know better than too drive. True and very good of them. However their cars where the best and probably only punishment at the time that made an impact and mattered to each of them. I told them they would have lost their cars for the rest of high school if they had drank and driven. The got the message and know all the reasons I meant it. They also were well aware that we have relatives with serious drinking problems and friends that were killed by drunk drivers.
I talked to my boys about everything and they still talk to me about serious subjects like this. My boys aren't perfect and during college I saw more than one picture from a party on their facebook pages. However they never got caught by me again while living under my roof.
I know many parents that believed that their kids where going to 'do it anyway' so they allowed parties and bought their teenagers beer & cigs. Those parents convienced themselves that they were the better parent because they 'knew where the kis were and what they were doing'. Seriously?! These were the same 'relatives' btw that said I was raising my children in a bubble. I felt, and told them, that they were not in a bubble because they could see their household and all that was going on. Which was the best life lessons of all for them. I didn't have to say a word. They saw what 'no rules', 'no respect' for the laws or other safety, and drinking did to these teenage cousins and friends. I am sure these 'examples' are some of the reason my sons have been so respectful and appreciative of education, family and esp. me. They saw how I was treated by someone who drank to excess and called it being 'social'.
I have so much more to say.. later. Thank you, Debbie, for the wonderful, thought and conversation provocing post/writing! I'm sure you have helped many, many people with your 'wise' words and holding your ground as a 'parent'!! You and your husband are obviously Great parents! Your boys are very, very luck!!!
HUGS,
Coreen
talking to them and making your position clear is the best thing...you are doing a good job of both....
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